It's something called Excoriation Disorder. It goes hand in hand with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and basically it means that I pick at my skin. When I feel particularly stressed, or when my anxiety is running high, I pick at my skin to the point that it bleeds, and of course hurts.
This disorder can be considered a form of self harm, although of course it is not to the same degree as cutting or burning. It can however, be purely an obsessive behaviour in some people, and have nothing to do with wanting to self harm. It really depends on the person, and the reasons behind why they began "picking" in the first place.
In my case, it's almost like a coping mechanism. It's a sense of control, and a release when I'm feeling stressed and hopeless. It has also become a habit, where I often don't even realise I'm doing it.
In all honestly, I didn't even realise this was a problem - or how bad it had become - until people started noticing the sores on my arms. I felt so ashamed when friends started to ask me what had happened, or if I'd been bitten by something etc. The looks of horror on their faces broke my heart. I had no idea it looked so bad.
Nowadays, it's something I think about every day. I feel embarrassed to show my arms, so I am constantly trying to cover them with long sleeves. It's not always easy during Summer, but at the end of the day, I would rather swelter in the heat, than for another person to notice and be horrified by my sores.
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| My right arm |
I'm no expert on this disorder, so this post may not be so helpful for those looking for facts and medical information. But I just felt it was something I wanted to put out there, to share with whoever may or may not read it, and be dealing with something similar. Just know - you really aren't alone x
